Don't grieve for what never would have been
There is a concept that Beth and I have come to understand. It took awhile for it to really penetrate our souls. It is not an easy concept to come to terms with, but when you do it makes the grieving process easier and helps to take the edges off of the pain of loss. It is the concept that you don’t need to grieve for things that never would have taken place.
It starts with accepting that the passing of a loved one was meant to happen. If it was meant to happen, then there was nothing that you or anyone could have done to prevent their leaving. For whatever reason it was their time to transition to a different place. For us it was a matter of looking back at all of the signs and synchronicities before the accident, those that occurred at the accident site and the ones we received afterwards. The more we examined and dwelt on those, the more we realized that the passing of our children was meant to happen. That is not an easy step to take. It took Beth longer than me to understand and accept that. It is only natural as she is their Mother.
Once you accept that the passing of a loved one was meant to happen, then you realize that they weren’t meant to be in a physical form any longer than they were. If that was as long as they were supposed to be here, then their whole life after that point would have never been. Jessica wasn’t meant to turn ten. Josh wasn’t meant to play football in high school. Jess and Josh never would have married and given us grandchildren. If none of those things were going to occur, then grieving over the loss of those events means you are grieving over things that never would have transpired. If their passing was meant to happen, then all of the events in their life had already occurred, there wasn’t going to be any more.
Birthdays and holidays are the times that people seem to struggle the most after the loss of a loved one. It reminds us that they are not here in a form that we can see and hold. Rather than focus on the fact that they are not in a form that you are accustomed to, understand that they are still there. Understand that we just need to learn a new language, a new form of communication to connect with our loved ones. They know we miss them and love them. They love us as well, but they don’t miss us because they are still with us. They are around us and will communicate with us in the ways that they can. Look for those signs and synchronicities. The message Josh gave to us after he passed in one that we have internalized, he told us “We never left you”.